How to Be a Three Year Old
September 2nd, 2010
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- Loudly announce whenever you need to go potty, and then while you’re in there, yell out a narrative of the details of the experience to anyone within earshot.
- Slam all doors.
- Wrap scotch tape around two fingers until they start to turn blue. Cry for someone to cut the tape off. Repeat.
- Dip everything you eat in ketchup.
- Whenever you talk on the phone, randomly yell “Byeee!” and hand the phone to someone else.
- When you eat animal crackers, eat the head first. Then legs, then body. You can optionally soak the cracker ahead of time in a cup of sweet tea.
- Sing random songs, incorporating song lines you know with whatever you can see right now. “Twinkle, twinkle, little star… old lady, stop sign, brown dog with three legs…”
- Put up a good fight to avoid bathtime. Then when it’s time to get out, put up another fight to stay in the bath.
- Keep everybody guessing what you’re really like. For example, on Halloween, run into random people’s houses when they open the door, then introduce yourself and tell them that they’re gross if they like pickles. Then, when you’re at a birthday party a week later, clam up and pretend to be shy and not talk to anyone at all.
- Dig random holes and fill them with water. Repeat.
- Tell everyone’s news to anyone who will listen. “My Aunt Mereny is gonna have a baby. It’s in her belly. We’re gonna have to bust that baby outta there.”
- Attempt to hug all dogs, even if they look mean.
- Anything that can possibly fit up your nose deserves a chance. Crayons, toothbrush, baby carrots, anything. Hold it there for a moment, show somebody and say “Look at me!”, and then go back to using it for its original purpose, as if it hadn’t just now been inside your nostril.