how to be a terrible mover
So you’ve decided to move to another address? There is nothing like a change of residence that puts you in the mood to call in a favor from your closest friends and family and ruin their weekend. This is also the perfect opportunity to publicly exhibit your lack of planning and self-discipline!
How to be a Terrible Mover
1. Don’t have anything packed ahead of time
When your movers show up early on moving day, they’ve already given up time on their precious free day off… so why not take the whole day? The best way to do this is to appear surprised and frantic as they ring on your doorbell. If you plan it just right, you might not have to take a single thing out of the building.
While they’re developing hernias dragging your junk across your front yard, you should casually sit on the carpet behind your desk and roll up computer cables.
2. The less the merrier
Although it would be faster and easier on everybody if you also commissioned your able-bodied significant other, large hunky brothers, or well-meaning neighbors, inviting them won’t give your one mover friend the attention they deserve. Instead, let your mover show up alone and then move your whole house by themselves.
Or even better, while they drag your crap out to the truck, you should hang out on the phone with other people who aren’t there. This will tell your mover that, Hey, my friendship options are wide open, but I want to spend this special day with you and only you.
3. Plan everything at the last minute
People love spontaneity. If you already had the key to the new place in your pocket, that would send a bad message to your mover friend — that you are a boring, responsible person. Instead, after a day of packing and heavy lifting, casually mention to them on the way over that you’re not really sure if there is going to be an open door to be able to unload this stuff. You can either leave the key to the new place at the old place or leave some loose details open (like signing the lease — oopsie). They will respect your impulsiveness and you can have a nice laugh together.
To add a little spice to the day, let them hold your angry dog on the way over to the new place.