nap nirvana
How to take the perfect nap
A good nap is an amazing thing. The like-minded among you already know that a perfect one-and-a-half-hour snooze can be more restful than 12 hours of sleep, if successful. As a connoisseur of all things nap-related, I have compiled some of the must-have features for the Perfect Nap.
1) Location, location, location
The setting has to be just right. You can’t just go crawl in your bed in the afternoon and call that a nap. For one thing, you’re snoozing in the same place you just woke up a few hours ago, which isn’t special at all. And perhaps more importantly, this has some potentially negative side effects. You’re likely to break off into Nap Outerworld Territory, where you wake up disoriented and sweaty at 4 a.m., wondering what day of the week it is.
2) Ambiance
The nap has to take place in a cool, dark location. If you try to crush a few z’s in a hammock on a hot day or curled up next to a sunny window, you might wake up with an ear full of sweat. The last thing you need is to have your skin sweating and sticking to yourself at unfortunate places on your body. For some reason, if I try to nap in a hot room, I’ll end up with my arm stuck to my face, my pants turned around half-sideways, and pooled sweat on my neck. I wake up looking and feeling like I got urinated on in an alley.
A heavy fan in the room or a football game on TV are the ideal ambiance. Your wife in labor, yelling about needing a ride or something, is not good ambiance.
3) Accessories
Two couch pillows are ideal, one to lay your head on and another to squeeze an arm around. If you’re the type of guy who puts a third pillow between your legs, I’m not going to criticize. If I happen to be that kind of guy, I’m not admitting it here.
Another critical feature of the perfect nap, if you have them, are two snugglin’ pups. One pup is like an awkward wiggly extra pillow who might walk around and step on your face, but if you have two pups, their snuggles will take your nap experience to a new level. One curls up behind your feet and the second one curls up behind your knees, essentially locking your legs into an immovable, snuggly state. Then, if you happen to look down their direction, one of them is likely to poke a groggy head up, look at you with one sleepy open eye, and then put her head back down. That alone is enough to send you into deep hypnosis.
You can push the limits of nap nirvana by pursuing the Snugglin’ Trifecta, in which you include a third pup, but I’ve never successfully accomplished this. The closest I’ve ever gotten was two snugglin’ pups and a cat. He didn’t add to the nap experience at all — instead, I woke up to him repeatedly bonking my forehead with his paw while he licked his rear aggressively.