22 Mar 2011 @ 1:32 PM 

My sister recently announced that she’s a vegetarian again.  I asked if it was for health reasons (because last time her gall bladder exploded or something).  But it wasn’t a nutrition thing, it’s a compassion-based decision.  Unlike the rest of us, who try to ignore the chopping-heads-off part of our grocery store experience, her sweet brain dwells on those things and she doesn’t want to have cute animal parts sprawled out all over her dinner plate.

I guess I’m not as compassionate.  I’d understand her becoming a vegetarian if she had to – like if meat was giving her incurable itchy butt worms or something, but the compassion-based approach, I have trouble relating.  It’s like she announced that after a period of time off, that she wants to be a Buddhist.

Much like other temporary Buddhists, her whole family gets dragged into the ordeal.  My brother-in-law deserves a medal for being the best husband ever.  If I had a wife and she wanted to talk me into eating bean dip at every meal, I’m not sure I would be as understanding.  If I were him, I’d be at home right now trying to find a good place to hide baby back rib bones.

Hmm…. On the other hand, maybe he’s doing that right now too.  (Ha!  Sorry Craig if I just busted you.  I’m the worst.)

It’s funny how we project ourselves into everybody else’s situations.  Hearing about somebody finding Vegetarian Religion, it just makes me crave some kind of juicy red meat.  Why is that?  Perhaps the brief consideration of ‘Could I do that too?’ triggers my inner glutamine response, and my brain starts cheering for the careful marination and grilling of said meats.  I’ve eaten pounds of red meat since my sister’s hippie revelation.

Dammit, now I want to eat a koala bear.

With ranch.

It’s hard to imagine a life without meat.  Sure, you could get your protein from other sources, like beans.  But you don’t want to hang around me after some epic bean consumption.  Especially if we’re in a car or something.

How about we just don’t eat the cute ones?  I could see not eating deer on account of their majestic appearance and cute fluffy white tails and memories of Bambi.  That makes sense.  And even pigs are pretty sweet once you get to know them.  They’re smarter and sweeter than dogs, despite their deliciousness.

Longhorns are awesome with the big pointy defensive head-swords, but your basic cow is pretty dumb.  I’m talking about your traditional farm cow, who just stands around burping back up chunks from one stomach to another, chewing on it again, wandering around, and leaving huge poops.  A cow is nature’s walking billboard that says “Hi I’m fat and slow, I dispense milk and taste terrific.”  You release a cow into the African Sahara, she’s gonna get ripped apart in like two seconds.  Hell, a zebra could probably even beat up a cow.  I don’t know if it’s ever happened in the wild, but I would bet on the zebra.  They’re quite wiley.

I try to remind my sister, and other humans, that we are animals, too.  Our species didn’t get this far by eating hummus and vitamin supplements.  We fashioned crude weapons just so that we could whack the heads off all God’s little creatures.  Later, we invented cow-sized guillotines and bolt-guns to save ourselves the trouble.  I’m sure that we’ll still be eating meat in 100 years, even when we’re slicing the cows up with badass laser weapons.

Centuries from now, I picture a peaceful utopian society, with Buddhists chasing around koala bears with lasers.  Now that is the future I want to live in.

Posted By: Buffman
Last Edit: 02 Dec 2011 @ 11:59 AM

Categories: Humor


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