While waving my hand frantically in front of the automatic towel dispenser, I start to wonder which is drying my hands more – the paper towels, or all the hand-waving and time spent waiting for more towels to dispense. I give it 50-50. Before I leave the restroom. I take one last look in the mirror to make sure my hair isn’t standing up all crazy and that I look generally presentable – Hello there, handsome – and… uh oh, there it is. My zipper is down again. My barn door is open. XYZ, examine your zipper. Your cows are getting out.
How did I make it this far in life doing something so well, only to suddenly start leaving my zipper down all the time?
The same sudden decline of other abilities is emerging in other areas of my life, too. I used to be a pretty decent bowler, but now I’m happy just to clear triple digits. I used to have a sweet spin move, where the ball would Tokyo-drift back to the center and obliterate all the pins and I would do white-guy fist-pumping dance moves. Now when I fire that sucker off, it makes a beeline for the gutter and threatens to hop out into the next lane.
I understand that in time, I may not be able to run as fast or take a punch the same due to old age and the slow decline of my body – I’m cool with that. But I’m still in the first half of my 30’s – I’m supposed to be at my peak! Why have I suddenly started losing my few awesome abilities, like my 30+ year streak of always remembering to zip up my pants after shaking hands with the man?
As another example, I’ve been driving legally now for more than half my life, but I just now started to forget to close the little gas cap door after I fuel up. I’m the dummy who has to get out of the car at the red light and run back to close it. Luckily for me, nobody notices because they’re all playing with Facebook on their phones.
Perhaps my glory days are behind me. I know I’m a bit young to start talking about a mid-life crisis, but I feel one coming on. Is there a place you go to sign up for that? How does that work?
My one consoling fact is that my closest friends are all getting older, too. Mike the Greek’s mantastic-sexy facial scruff is starting to show a few silvers. Fox and others are starting to show some midsection. Dre is having his first mini-Dre, Crazy Mike has a real girlfriend, and Clinticus even got married.
If you’re feeling the hands of time too, just be sure to stop and check your fly in the mirror on the way out.