It seems like an errand until I get there. But right as I walk through the front doors, beyond the amazing meaty/oniony smell of the hot dog stand, I always remember how much I love going to Lowe’s. It’s not the closest big-box hardware retail to my house, but I go there because I know where everything is, the paint girl is hot, and they give a 5% discount on all purchases with the credit card.
So I’m doing my thing, picking up a few odds and ends, flirting with the paint girl, playing with the demo powertools, daydreaming of bigass projects that need cool new tools and materials. I usually have a brief flash of responsibility and put back some of the unnecessary stuff I’ve collected. But not today – I was gearing up for an important project.
“I’m sorry, sir, your card is declined.“
“What? I thought my balance was zero. What does it say?”
“You have a past due minimum balance.”
“What was my minimum amount due?”
“How can I pay you zero dollars? The card is completely paid off. Is my card inactive or something?”
“No, it shows here it’s active. And yes, it shows here you don’t have any outstanding balance.”
“I just want to use the card for the 5% discount. How do I use it today?“
“The system won’t let me use this card unless you make a payment. Weird, huh?“
“And it won’t let me make a payment of zero, right?”
So I went to the Customer Service desk and basically repeated the exact conversation with two more employees. Then I made an unnecessary payment to give my account a new negative-balance / credit so the system would let me use the card for my purchases.
Then they wouldn’t let me buy the adorable little gift card holder for the gift card I was buying for my brother’s housewarming present. It’s listed among the items that are restricted from purchasing with the Lowe’s Card. Afterwards, the gal at the checkout had the nerve to offer me to join their MyLowes rewards program. It seems like their next step might be a new line of Lowe’s Cards that unpleasantly shock your genitals from time to time in your pocket.
On the way out of there, I noticed a wall-mounted bell by the exit that said “Ring the Bell for Great Service!” So I took my newly-purchased scissors out of the bag and snipped off the string inside the bell that held the ringer and smiled as it hit the floor behind me.