Each year, I take a moment to reflect on this most recent trip around the sun, decide again that I am quite terrific just like I am, and then make resolutions for everyone else. Here are my:
2013 New Year’s Resolutions, But Not for Me
10) Jerry Jones the Owner will fire himself as Jerry Jones the GM, satisfying decades of frustration from among Cowboys fans. But then in a weird twist of fate, Jerry the Owner will also rehire himself as one of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.
9) City planners in the Dallas-Fort Worth area will have a conversation with each other at some point and have the startling revelation that they accidentally all started major construction projects on every major intersection in the whole freaking Metroplex at the same time. After a collective forehead slap, they’ll draw straws and prioritize projects so we have at least one uninterrupted route through town.
8) My new kitten will find something to chew on that tastes better than me. I’m going to start initiating “Spontaneous Kittycat Bathtime” everytime she nips at me from now on.
7) This year, anytime somebody says “Hey we should hang out sometime soon,” they will actually make arrangements at some point. Otherwise I will start sneaking into your house and hanging out with you anyway. While you sleep. And I’m dressed like a clown, holding big cartoon scissors, just to freak you out.
6) Any persons on the planet who happen to be unemployed adult roommates of mine will make a much better effort to wake up before noon to receive important packages. If not, I will start waking him up with a bucket of scorpions that each have tiny head-mounted chainsaws.
5) My daughter will figure out the names of the four kids who live next door so I can stop greeting them all with “Hi neighbor”. They’re super-cool kids, but I never learned their names, so now it would be awkward to ask after two years.
4) MyFreeInsuranceQuotes.com will eventually stop calling me every day. Something is broken in their system that they can’t or won’t fix, and they’ve called me every workday for about 4 months straight, ever since I re-fi’d my house. I’ve even started to recognize some of their voices. “Hi Larry, how were the holidays? Did you end up getting that lawnmower you were looking at?”
3) Facebook will modify their mobile app so that it doesn’t send out friend requests so easily. After I got my new phone, I selected the “Sync Contacts” checkbox, thinking that it would marry up my existing contacts with any that happened to also be Facebook friends. But instead, it sent out over 300 new friend requests to anyone I’ve ever called, emailed, or texted. My number of new friends nearly doubled overnight. Ex-girlfriends, ex-in-laws, vendor reps from work, random people I might have called once to ask about a bike for sale on Craigslist … and then they eventually suspended my account for spamming out invites. Thanks, Facebook.
2) Diva Girlfriend will eventually stop trying to convince me that white undershirts need to be folded or hung up immediately out of the dryer. I will continue to claim that they stretch across quite smoothly after I put them on. Same goes for underwear.
1) In 2013, local police will start enforcing rules related to using the left lane only for passing and for use of blinkers. If you use the passing lane to go under the speed limit and doodle around, eating and texting and putting on makeup, local law enforcement helicopters will swoop in and pick up your car with a giant magnet and drop you in the lake. Or in a bad neighborhood in Dallas.