15 Feb 2013 @ 2:57 PM 

I got engaged this weekend!  I surprised Diva Girlfriend with a ring at a fancy restaurant, she said yes, and now she becomes Diva Bride-to-Be.

This is not how it went down


I know what you’re thinking.  Society says that your scripted response right now should be either “Congratulations.  When is the big day?”  or “Have you set a date yet?”

Our culture insists that we follow the standard programming with these little automated responses.   It would be frowned upon if you followed up with “Hot dog.  I’ve always wanted to see her naked,” or “Neat.  I’ll put your invitation in my scrapbook next to the invitation from your last wedding.”

Squirrels are evil


These little scripted expectations are everywhere.  If someone asks “How is your day going?” you are supposed to say: “Good, thank you.  How is yours?”  But here’s the catch — that other guy does not really want to know how your day is going, because people can’t handle real responses.

“How is your day going?”

“I’ve had the worst day.  I was in a weird mood and ate a whole pineapple, and it gave me the runs.  Then I sneezed at work and accidentally crapped my pants.”

In general, for the big life events, these expected responses seem to always nudge you on to the next thing.   They say they’re engaged, you ask when’s the date.  As soon as they  get married, you start inquiring about kids.  If they churn out some loinproduct, you start asking when they’re going to have more.

Why is there such a big rush by everyone to push you along to the next big event?  I remember sitting in the hospital, delirious from sleep exhaustion, holding my precious new little princess Jules.  We had just squirted out this baby no less than 11 hours ago and my aunt-in-law had the nerve to ask “So…… when’s the next one?”  If I could shoot laser beams out of my eyes, I would have accidentally exploded her head right then.  Mis-fire, pew pew pew.

I’ve decided to start giving weird responses, you know… shake up the societal norms a bit.  If someone comes to me and pronounces “I have some news, we’re pregnant,” I’ll say “Congratulations!  Have you picked out what color eyes he’s going to have?”  Or if someone sends me a graduation announcement, I’ll invite them to find a time machine and attend my own baby shower.  Then I’ll say no thanks on the gift exchange, we’re already square.    Or if someone announces their new promotion, I’ll say “Sweet, now you can get that elective bellybutton removal surgery you’ve been wanting.”

Posted By: Buffman
Last Edit: 15 Feb 2013 @ 02:57 PM

Categories: Humor


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