15 Mar 2013 @ 3:41 PM 


Wedding bells are just a few weeks away.

Some people ask why we picked such a short engagement, only three months long.  (Then they usually take a quick peek at Diva Bride-to-Be’s belly and are confused to observe that she is still quite petite and un-pregnant.)  No, we’re not expecting (as far as I know).

I tell people that we’ve just waited all this time to tie the knot, so now we’re in a hurry to start the rest of our lives together.  This is true, but it’s also because wedding planning is a painful experience.  Let’s not stretch out this awful part-time job and stress out for a whole year.

Most guys getting into this think that the goal is to find that sweet spot in the little safety zone between “Stop being a control freak on every detail in this wedding!” and “You’re not helping with anything!”  But here’s the trick, there is no safety zone, those things overlap.  No matter how high your Groom Involvement Level is, the new bride will never stop and say “Thank you, you’re giving just the right amount of input – not too much and not too little.”

You might think it’s a good idea to say “they both look good,” or “whatever you want, sweetie,” but that’s a bear trap, dear readers.  What?  You don’t even care?!  You’re not excited about this wedding at all. 

You animal. 

On the other end, if you express an opinion that doesn’t jive, you have now introduced more stress to that process that already has them in a tizzy.  What?! We can’t have the flower girl throw around flower petals!  The place won’t allow real petals and the people will think the fake ones look like crap! 

Are you insane?

The secret goal here is to weigh all the options, to figure out which one they like, and smile and point at that one.

I think most brides will consider a few options, look at their budget, stress a little bit, and then pick the best one they can afford.  But my Diva Bride-to-Be is truly a masterful project manager.  She will acquire vast amounts of research, read every available consumer review, package 327 different versions of a plan, shop for hours upon days, and pick only the exact best option.  For example, there is a very good chance that we’ll devote a full seven and a half hours picking out the right color ribbon to give to our cake lady.

She put more effort into selecting bridesmaids dresses than I did when I picked out my house.

I imagine that when we make new tiny humans, that she’ll tell them the story of Goldilocks and the 117 bears.  The first 35 porridges were not gluten-free and the next 21 porridges were prepared in kitchens with less than a 82% approval rating on Yelp.  The 117th bear’s porridge was the most acceptable, but by then Goldilocks had been eating porridge all damn day and just wanted to go home and take these freaking shoes off.


If you eat in their bed, it pisses off the bears.

In terms of being selective about purchases, I’m pretty easy-going.  For example, I’m not a very good dresser unless other people shop for me.  Sometimes I’ll let a waiter pick out what I’m eating from the menu.  I tend to pick out pets by wandering into an animal shelter and announcing “I’m taking home the ugliest dog you got – which one’s getting gassed tomorrow?”  And here is how my thought process goes on birthday cards:  “Hey, this is a birthday card.  Neat, I’ll get this one.”

When it’s all said and done, she’s probably right.  Being picky is a probably the better approach.  Sometimes I stop and realize that this person that I’m about to spend the rest of my life with – who is so dedicated and uncompromising in only accepting her most important choices – also chose me.

Posted By: Buffman
Last Edit: 15 Mar 2013 @ 03:44 PM

Categories: Humor


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