This is the time of year to assess where we are and decide what our next year holds in store for us. As an annual tradition, I take a good hard look at myself, decide that I am still pretty great, and then write New Year’s Resolutions for everyone else. Here are my
2014 New Year’s Resolutions, But Not For Me
1. There will be a maximum quota of no more than one fist-bump explosion in 2014. They have been overused and are now out of service. On the second one, your hand actually explodes.
2. I resolve that in 2014, no one is allowed to say “For reals” anymore. I have my reasons.
3. Garage sale owners will be required to hold back some of their best loot until after 10 am. It is not fair to those of us who want to sleep in on Saturdays.
4. Not only will the Huy Fong Sriracha plant in California reopen immediately, every state will be required to open a Sriracha factory.
5. In addition to the metric system and the standard system for measuring things, we will be introducing a new third system called the Jeff System. You use normal distance measurements, but exaggerate them all greatly. “Oh man, that took forever. The store was a million miles away.”
6. Weather reporters can stop standing out in hurricanes and snowstorms to do their broadcasts. I can’t tell what they’re saying because the wind is hitting the microphone, and I don’t need to see them in the big poofy blue jackets, struggling…struggling…..
7. People, please make a decision on cats. You hate cats, then out of nowhere love cats fanatically. I’m going to need some consistency.
8. Somehow my turtle craps like 4 times more than he eats. This is defying nature and freaks me out. C’mon DonatelloViggoMortenson, let’s tone it down a bit.
9. Miley Cyrus, you can stop being publicly slutty. We get it, you’re not Hannah Montana now. Your little media stunt is now boring, and everybody is tired of seeing your twerpy little body. Mission accomplished.
10. For some reason many football games and other events show the same four commercials over and over and over. All televisions will start including an automatic sensor that senses commercial redundancy and replacing them with random videos of tiny bobbly-head kittens taking their first steps.